Hello there Livejournal. Improbably I am still around. I’ve been meaning to update my suicide note to reflect the more recent events going on with Sare returning and all that other stuff but I haven’t gotten around to it. I should though. I don’t want The hippy girl to feel at fault for what I may do. She’s very nice and I do regret not knowing her name. She doesn’t deserve any blame. Sara does though. That crazy bitch how the hell did she even find me? The only people who knew I was even going to collage were my parents, and it isn’t like they told her. Well maybe they did, they always were assholes. That isn’t the point though. The point is that I am still around though for how long I don’t know.
It is two weeks into the fall semsester and the world is a vastly different place from the strangely abandoned airs of summer. Now there is life, music, laughter, the whole world is alive and now ironically I am working to no longer be a part of it. Just more evidice to show that I never belonged here in the first place. The hippy is back. Actually I am not sure if she ever left or not. I silently looked in on her a couple of days ago just to make sure she is alright still. She is. Lucky her she has her arm wrapped around some other girl. I speculate that they were separated by summer and the relationship is not newly minted, but what I think almost certainly doesn’t matter so whatever. I wish them the best. Hopefully she doesn’t even really think of me.
Other than that I haven’t seen hide nor hair of anyone else from my school. Specifically, I am talking about Sara. She’s apparently enrolled in the school, I’ve been able to find out that much, but as for living arragnements, class schedual, and daily routine, I’ve come up with nothing. I need to find me a hacker to get me all of that. I wonder where I can look. Of course this might mean that she’ll have as hard a time finding out things about me, but somehow I doubt that it is actually working like that. More than likely she is laying low, biding her time waiting for an opertune moment to strike me at my weakest. I don’t think she realizes I’ve gone back to the gun through. I’m always strongest on the gun. I can now just check out any time I want to. Right now I am just leaving it up to the great random number generator in the sky. I can take matters into my own hand, I’m sure of it this time. I am most certainly tired enough of this shit.
I remember last time only vaguely. I had been sleeping even less than usual and Sara had just turned these two brothers against each other for sport. Then she turned them both on me. At the time I didn’t really know what she was capable of and the two of them came out of nowhere and beat the living hell out of me. That is no easy feat to do either. It took me long enough to go down, and sometimes I think they would of killed me if she hadn’t appeared from nowhere to call them off. Then she makes me watch, through my pain as she finnishes turning them against each other. As the beat me they tore into each other like wild animals until eventually she used a tazer to put both of them down for the count. She bends over and whispers to me, “All of you are just muppets. Silly people who don’t even talk until I jam my hand up their asses. You can either live besides me, or serve under me. Think about it”. Then she walked off. She still had her long blonde hair back then. Still making the transistion from homecoming queen to hell child.
It wasn’t that night, but it was one night soon afterwards that I just decided to end it. Sara, refusing to back down, my parents were acting up, and I just wanted to sleep so very badly. My hands shook. They always used to shake when I did the ritual back then. It seems quaint as I look back on it now. When the second barrel clicked on empty I started to have second thoughts. Then the third made me have serious doubts, and it was the fourth one that caused me to loose my nerve altogether. Instead of ending it, or instead of standing up to fight I cast my lot in with her. I figured how bad could it be, and if it really is that bad how long would I really be around. God I don’t know why I didn’t just do it that night, and fucking christ I wish I never had joined her in her petty schemes and little evil deals.
Looking back I realize that we were always at our best when we were either in each others arms or at each other’s throats. The rest of the world became just things which we used to get at each other. Fleshy wrecking balls that we’d use to knock each other down revealing weaknesses. I try to take solice in the fact that ultimately she started it, but I have to admit that at one point I’ve posted the same dark entires as her. I never had the stomach for it though. Not like she did. She would revel in it like some insane warlord or a kind of modern day Bathory that needs the drama of people around her to stay young. I was just trying to find my footing in a world I never even wanted to be a part of in the first place, but still a world that I was to cowardly to leave. Sometimes I think that is the greatest most horrible trick she’s ever pulled. Making me stay here in this wreched place when all I wanted to do was to be left alone and to die without anyone to love or care for me. She dragged me in, made people care either through hate or love, forced me to connect, and eventually tried to make me feel guilt about my mornings. I would almost think she was doing it to save me, except that I believe that it is impossible for her to do anything to directly benefit anyone else. She just did it because she wanted me around. She just wanted me around because she knew I didn’t want to be around. Bitch. Then things really started getting out of control.
I thought I escaped, though I managed to get away from everything, I thought I found a way to carve out my own path where I didn’t need people, the gun, and where Sara couldn’t get to me. Everything I thought is pretty much wrong. So I am more or less back to where I started. Pathetic. In all the years I’ve been around it feels like I have made absolutely zero progress in my life. This is because, well I fucking haven’t. I am still that same emotionally stunted 15 year old with a gun and hatered in my heart. I’d like to tell myself that it isn’t to late to change. That I’ll be able to over come all of this shit and be able to move forward with my life, with grace, dignity, and pride.
You’d think that, and yet somehow I still end up in the same situation. Even without Sara. Covered in the bodly fluids of two strange women, vomiting out something that is made of pure nightmares. In all honestly I make my own troubles, and I drag people into them my self, just like I did with the hippy girl.
I don’t know the fate of the bird. I’m afraid to go ask her, not that I think it is dead or anything but this is about the time where it should be ready to fly away. I’m sure it has already happened and I am at fault for missing it. I’ve seen the lady in white a couple of times since the insident but she doesn’t really seem to having anything to say to me. Guess I’ve either served or betrayed her needs. It seems like I am the only person who is willing to acknowlage her. Everyone else just looks past her as if she is some sort of ghost. If only I were so lucky. Oh well no sense crying over it.
My war with the squirrle has continued unabated. Keeping good to my promise to the hippy I haven’t hurt the fucking thing yet, and it seems to take great delight in my lack of desire to fight back. While I may not hurt it, I might chop down every tree in a 20 mile radius. That would teach the little piece of shit squirrle. Oh strangly enough the crazy christian girl hasn’t assaulted me recently. Hrm.
It feels weird writing here now. No one knows this journal excists, not Alex, not my parents, not Sara. I was going to reveal it upon my death, it is with my note along with the gun. Now I am thinking I don’t want anyone to find this thing ever. I want it to die along with me. These are my private thoughts and I share them with no one. I never have, of course I’ve always expected people to have read them by now. I wanted everyone to know all the sins I’ve commited, the shit I’ve done, and everyone I’ve hurt. That way if anyone is sad that I am gone they could look at this and go, “See that right there? That prooves that Link was a bad man and better off dead”. Still my transgressions now are nothing compared to long ago and I am just tired. Right now I don’t care if anyone wants reasons or not for my passing. I just want to pass.
I wish I just had the courage to do it, I really do.
Speaking of which classes are made of just as much bullshit this semester as they were over the summer. You can almost feel the raw disinterest of the teachers bleeding off of them into the classroom like some sort of sickly pall. A couple of them are just grad students who are doing the teaching thing because they need some sort of practical experience to realize they really are good for nothing so that they can go back to a life of pushing boxes around a warehouse. Others are probably wonderful teachers, but looking around my class mates I can see where their apathy comes from. I don’t understand people. Not everyone gets to go to college. It is something I fought, almost literally died to do, and I am not just talking my morning routine either. And here these kids, they all sit around bored out of their minds refusing to learn anything what so ever. College has no meaning to them so they treat the whole thing like it has no meaning. Instead of trying to find meaning they just coast. Sometimes I wonder if the whole world would be better off putting a gun into their mouths and spinning the cylinder just once, just once so that they no longer stomp around making demands that the world should do a better job taking care of them. They make me sick, and in a way I am almost tempted to team up with Sara just to destory as many of them as possible before I am either brought down by her, myself, or the authorities. Hrm, maybe she’s been so quiet because he cop dad isn’t able to protect her up here like he could at home. Cop dad, lawyer mom. Between the two that girl got away with murder. Oh well it is time for me to go to class.
Yeah whatever fuckit.